To Forgive Oneself...
Is the hardest thing to do.
School has started. Back to school was not easy. Waking up at 7am just to be in class on Monday by 8.30am is seriously a challenge. Now I know why there's the term "Monday blues".
What made this week extremely stressful for me was my practical driving test. I felt immense pressure or rather I gave myself lots of pressure to make sure I pass and do well in it because my driving instructor was gonna stop teaching after March and I wanted to save the hassle of finding a new instructor should I fail my TP test and require a retest.
I went for the test on Friday. Prior to the test, I had a circuit session with my instructor and everything seemed to be going well. At 2.30pm I went into the waiting area for the tester to come get me and we walked to the car. When we got to the car, I ignited the engine and started driving off. The first thing he wanted me to do was parallel parking.
I tried to calm myself down by telling myself I did okay just now with my instructor and I just have to repeat all the steps. I could literally felt cold sweat forming as I tried to position the car for parallel parking. The instructor was like "you're gonna hit the kerb! Adjust..." So I did try to adjust and true enough I really hit the kerb. My instructor's word's kept playing in my mind "Once you hit the kerb, can say bye bye already."
My nerves were just uncontrollable from then on. Eventually, we went through the whole course and got onto the road. But my mind really wasn't present anymore. I already knew the outcome of the test at that moment in time.
When we got back, I was called into the tester's office and he explained to me why I failed. I accumulated 34 points and to pass you had to get less than 20. Yea, I told myself I wouldn't cry if I failed. But I started tearing when the tester mentioned about my skin and how his daughter suffered from eczema too. I guess for me I felt embarrassed when people point out about my skin. Sometimes I wish they could turn a blind eye to it. Whenever people point out my skin, I'm reminded how abnormal I am.
I was upset and felt awful that I failed. (That means I've to face the added hassle of searching for a new driving instructor and applying for the test again.) mom suggested I read the bible. I was in the midst of reading Ephesians in the New Testament and just continued from where I left off.
Ephesians 3:20
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think accordingly to the power that works in us.
This verse struck me hard. I was so caught up in my own misery that I overlooked the fact that God is in control and He must have had a reason why He allowed me to fail. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think' and I am sure He knew how badly I wanted to pass. But must have had His reasons for me to have the retest. I don't know what they are yet.
Up until last night, I still couldn't forgive myself for the mistakes I made even though I got over the fact that I failed the test. Even in my subconscious mind, the scene of me striking the kerb in the parallel parking test kept replaying in my mind. That's when I learnt that forgiving yourself is one of the hardest thing to do.
I cannot say that I found the answer to self forgiveness, but I'm still figuring it out.
It's funny how awhile back I touched on forgiving others. Now, I am struggling with forgiving myself. It is indeed a faith journey.
God's love & blessings~
Xoxo
Marissa
School has started. Back to school was not easy. Waking up at 7am just to be in class on Monday by 8.30am is seriously a challenge. Now I know why there's the term "Monday blues".
What made this week extremely stressful for me was my practical driving test. I felt immense pressure or rather I gave myself lots of pressure to make sure I pass and do well in it because my driving instructor was gonna stop teaching after March and I wanted to save the hassle of finding a new instructor should I fail my TP test and require a retest.
I went for the test on Friday. Prior to the test, I had a circuit session with my instructor and everything seemed to be going well. At 2.30pm I went into the waiting area for the tester to come get me and we walked to the car. When we got to the car, I ignited the engine and started driving off. The first thing he wanted me to do was parallel parking.
I tried to calm myself down by telling myself I did okay just now with my instructor and I just have to repeat all the steps. I could literally felt cold sweat forming as I tried to position the car for parallel parking. The instructor was like "you're gonna hit the kerb! Adjust..." So I did try to adjust and true enough I really hit the kerb. My instructor's word's kept playing in my mind "Once you hit the kerb, can say bye bye already."
My nerves were just uncontrollable from then on. Eventually, we went through the whole course and got onto the road. But my mind really wasn't present anymore. I already knew the outcome of the test at that moment in time.
When we got back, I was called into the tester's office and he explained to me why I failed. I accumulated 34 points and to pass you had to get less than 20. Yea, I told myself I wouldn't cry if I failed. But I started tearing when the tester mentioned about my skin and how his daughter suffered from eczema too. I guess for me I felt embarrassed when people point out about my skin. Sometimes I wish they could turn a blind eye to it. Whenever people point out my skin, I'm reminded how abnormal I am.
I was upset and felt awful that I failed. (That means I've to face the added hassle of searching for a new driving instructor and applying for the test again.) mom suggested I read the bible. I was in the midst of reading Ephesians in the New Testament and just continued from where I left off.
Ephesians 3:20
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think accordingly to the power that works in us.
This verse struck me hard. I was so caught up in my own misery that I overlooked the fact that God is in control and He must have had a reason why He allowed me to fail. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think' and I am sure He knew how badly I wanted to pass. But must have had His reasons for me to have the retest. I don't know what they are yet.
Up until last night, I still couldn't forgive myself for the mistakes I made even though I got over the fact that I failed the test. Even in my subconscious mind, the scene of me striking the kerb in the parallel parking test kept replaying in my mind. That's when I learnt that forgiving yourself is one of the hardest thing to do.
I cannot say that I found the answer to self forgiveness, but I'm still figuring it out.
It's funny how awhile back I touched on forgiving others. Now, I am struggling with forgiving myself. It is indeed a faith journey.
God's love & blessings~
Xoxo
Marissa
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