I'm Sorry...

Even as I write this post, my mind wanders to the series of events that happened almost 4 years ago. The reality of the struggle, of someone being on oral steroids and the scary side effects that come with it. I have decided I should clear the air while my mind is still rational and while I may retain whatever dignity I may have left.

Due to my recent severe eczema flare up, my skin doctor has prescribed me with a course of oral steroids (prednisolone) and given me a 5 day Medical Leave. Although oral steroid may seem to be the solution to my problem and to relieve my discomfort, it has terrible side effects. Some of them include, mood swings, water retention, moon face, loss of muscle, body aches and many more.

Out of all those listed, the mood swings are the worst. Somedays, I may not even feel like myself. There can be moments where I have burst of energy and the next moment feeling so low and moody. I know this post would be especially important for the people who I may interact with in the coming days. I know this is not an excuse for my behaviour but I pray that you will understand. Somedays, the messages that you send may not be immediately read or replied to because I may not be in the right state of mind to interact with people. I'm afraid that whatever said then may cause unintentional hurt or harm. The last thing I would do is to ignore a friend or an acquaintance for that matter.

Even as I write this now, I think back to the moments in Secondary 4 while I suffered the side effects of steroids and how i was just randomly crying in class. I think I kinda freaked my teachers out at that point. Hearing my friends comment in the background that 'I have changed...' I remember I had to write them a statement explaining what I was going through and I disappeared from school for quite awhile. Well, since I have experienced it before, I thought I better write a statement before things get ugly.

Ah yes, another strange side effect of oral steroids is how it messes with my body clock. I'm awake at weird hours and feel strangely tired other times of the day. This explains why I am blogging at 5.55am.

Even after all these things happening, do you still Trust in God? Yes, I do. I do believe that God is there and He loves me. Although I do not understand why He allows me to go through this painful journey. But it takes time... At the current moment, the best way to describe the feeling I have towards God is like 'a cold war'. Immature in the faith? Maybe. But I am not going to pretend that everything is fine and easy in the Christian faith. Because it is not. I am not going to give others a false sense that a Christian life is a bed of roses because it is not.

If there's anything that I could request, I pray that you will keep me in prayer even as I go through this physically, psychologically and emotionally draining journey. Please pray that I would come out of it victorious. I don't know how long the side effects will last but I hope that I will get back to my normal self really soon.

The whole reason why I am putting this post out there is not for sympathy or pity. In fact, I just want to put things out as it is lest I unintentionally hurt anyone with my irrational behaviour when the time comes.

To mom, if you're reading this, I am sorry for being so grumpy or high and even unpredictable. I know it may sound like an excuse. But I really can't help it.

God's love & blessings~

Xoxo
Marissa

P.S. I know I'm so gonna be judged for this post. Ah, what the heck?