The depth of Love...
I thought it would be very apt to post this on Valentine's Day! Y'know cause Valentine's Day is about love... This post has actually been sitting in my draft box for quite awhile now. Let's get to it!
I have been off steroid for 1 week! Can I just say that my 11 days on oral steroids are the worst! I don't know if it was because my body is super sensitive to steroids, but I felt that the side effects of steroids were greatly magnified. Not only did it mess with my sleep cycles, leading to me not getting enough sleep (because I still had to go to school) but it also affected my mood. I was hardly anything like my normal self. I felt so moody and I just didn't feel like talking to people. (Totally not like my usual self). At times, I was even suicidal, induced by steroids. There, I said it... I know you're probably judging me right now. That's okay. I'm even judging myself by publishing this post. *smiles*
I guess it was an opportunity for me to understand how people with depression or even bipolar feel to a certain extent. The victims of these illnesses just can't help being depressed and others around them just don't understand how they feel.
It is really difficult to put my experience of steroid side effects into words. The amount of self hate, anguish, negativity and confusion I experienced is just like 'whoa...'
In my previous blog post, I shared that I staged a 'cold war' with God. I struggled and found it so hard to read His word or even do quiet time. I was overwhelmed with so much emotions, not forgetting the side effects of the steroids. Looking back, I became someone I hated. I really really wanna thank my mom for putting up with me, the *grumpy monkey during the previous weeks. It truly was not easy for her. (I came up with the term 'grumpy monkey' because monkeys jump around, being all hyper. Grumpy is like, you know moody. To a certain extent it's an oxymoron because monkeys are seldom associated with being grumpy. However, when you're on oral steroids, you're like laughing and happy and the next moment crying and angry...) I witnessed the unfailing love my mom had for me even though I was so hard to handle. It kinda helped me put into perspective the love God has for us, humans.
Even though I avoided God, He never gave up on me. Through this challenging period, He sent many people to remind me of His grace and goodness, who showed me love that comes from our heavenly Father. Even when I went on instagram, the posts and messages I saw was like directly speaking to me, situation specific. I am truly grateful for the prayers I have received thus far. Even when we give up on Him and even on ourselves(by trying to run away from Him), God never gives up on us. (Sometimes, I think God allows us to go through trials so that we would not only grow, but surrender, realising we are not strong enough and humbly witness His power working in our lives.)
The turning point for me came when I was sitting in church during the 11.30 service and Pastor Kenneth delivered the sermon based on Psalm 23. At that point, I felt like God was just speaking to me through him. I don't really know how to describe it but you just know when it happens. God wanted me to just find rest in Him. Weeks before I was actually struggling with myself. Struggling to accept my grades. Frustrated that I wasn't smart enough or even good enough to be in NBS. (i question my purpose there & I still do!) When I heard this sermon, all these faded away. I realised that God was enough for me. Grades, wealth, beauty... All these things will fade away.
The Lord is MY shepherd. He can be yours too! In Him, I can find rest, perfect peace, perfect wholeness and moral leadership.
Many times, we look to people to find that 'perfect love' or even an ideal 'fairytale' relationship. But we overlook the fact that we are not perfect people. As we are not perfect, the 'perfect relationship' barely exists. Disagreements happen, tension rises, fights break out. It's all a part of life. The desire for perfect love is hidden in our hearts. Only God can fulfill that desire. The love He has for us is unthinkable, indescribable & out of this world. Check out this article 14 of God's best valentine.
This Valentines day, regardless if you're alone or you have a significant other, know that you are very much loved by God. If you're blessed with a significant other, do respect and cherish each other. Be mindful of the words said to each other. Words have the power to build people up or tear people down. This Valentine's day, I challenge you to say kind words to the people around you and hold back mean & unkind words.
Have a wonderful Valentine's Day!
God's love & blessings~
Xoxo
Marissa
I have been off steroid for 1 week! Can I just say that my 11 days on oral steroids are the worst! I don't know if it was because my body is super sensitive to steroids, but I felt that the side effects of steroids were greatly magnified. Not only did it mess with my sleep cycles, leading to me not getting enough sleep (because I still had to go to school) but it also affected my mood. I was hardly anything like my normal self. I felt so moody and I just didn't feel like talking to people. (Totally not like my usual self). At times, I was even suicidal, induced by steroids. There, I said it... I know you're probably judging me right now. That's okay. I'm even judging myself by publishing this post. *smiles*
I guess it was an opportunity for me to understand how people with depression or even bipolar feel to a certain extent. The victims of these illnesses just can't help being depressed and others around them just don't understand how they feel.
It is really difficult to put my experience of steroid side effects into words. The amount of self hate, anguish, negativity and confusion I experienced is just like 'whoa...'
In my previous blog post, I shared that I staged a 'cold war' with God. I struggled and found it so hard to read His word or even do quiet time. I was overwhelmed with so much emotions, not forgetting the side effects of the steroids. Looking back, I became someone I hated. I really really wanna thank my mom for putting up with me, the *grumpy monkey during the previous weeks. It truly was not easy for her. (I came up with the term 'grumpy monkey' because monkeys jump around, being all hyper. Grumpy is like, you know moody. To a certain extent it's an oxymoron because monkeys are seldom associated with being grumpy. However, when you're on oral steroids, you're like laughing and happy and the next moment crying and angry...) I witnessed the unfailing love my mom had for me even though I was so hard to handle. It kinda helped me put into perspective the love God has for us, humans.
Even though I avoided God, He never gave up on me. Through this challenging period, He sent many people to remind me of His grace and goodness, who showed me love that comes from our heavenly Father. Even when I went on instagram, the posts and messages I saw was like directly speaking to me, situation specific. I am truly grateful for the prayers I have received thus far. Even when we give up on Him and even on ourselves(by trying to run away from Him), God never gives up on us. (Sometimes, I think God allows us to go through trials so that we would not only grow, but surrender, realising we are not strong enough and humbly witness His power working in our lives.)
The turning point for me came when I was sitting in church during the 11.30 service and Pastor Kenneth delivered the sermon based on Psalm 23. At that point, I felt like God was just speaking to me through him. I don't really know how to describe it but you just know when it happens. God wanted me to just find rest in Him. Weeks before I was actually struggling with myself. Struggling to accept my grades. Frustrated that I wasn't smart enough or even good enough to be in NBS. (i question my purpose there & I still do!) When I heard this sermon, all these faded away. I realised that God was enough for me. Grades, wealth, beauty... All these things will fade away.
The Lord is MY shepherd. He can be yours too! In Him, I can find rest, perfect peace, perfect wholeness and moral leadership.
Many times, we look to people to find that 'perfect love' or even an ideal 'fairytale' relationship. But we overlook the fact that we are not perfect people. As we are not perfect, the 'perfect relationship' barely exists. Disagreements happen, tension rises, fights break out. It's all a part of life. The desire for perfect love is hidden in our hearts. Only God can fulfill that desire. The love He has for us is unthinkable, indescribable & out of this world. Check out this article 14 of God's best valentine.
This Valentines day, regardless if you're alone or you have a significant other, know that you are very much loved by God. If you're blessed with a significant other, do respect and cherish each other. Be mindful of the words said to each other. Words have the power to build people up or tear people down. This Valentine's day, I challenge you to say kind words to the people around you and hold back mean & unkind words.
Have a wonderful Valentine's Day!
God's love & blessings~
Xoxo
Marissa
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