The Journey Away from Suicide

Disclaimer: All Glory goes to God for His power is shown through my weaknesses. 

It's 6 in the morning, I scramble out of bed. Get dressed, brush my teeth, grab my luggage and laptop and head out for the door. Oh yes, before I forget, You've just joined Marissa on her journey back in time. (erm. yea I'm just being overly dramatic here...) When I say back in time, I mean back to the usual routine of heading back to boarding school... [If I have yet to mention, Boarding school - the best time of my life!]

Get in the car, enjoy Singapore's sunrise while heading off to the airport. Once at the airport, check in (usually with boxes of food which I have to declare once I get to the customs in Oz), get tickets, spend last few moments having (a local kaya toast & milk tea) breakfast with mom and dad before they send me into the departure hall (where I always experience mixed feelings about leaving... As I learnt to compartmentalise my life. I associate Perth with studying & Singapore with relaxing and chilling.)

And then, I head of for the boarding gate. (Feeling rather independent, risking my all, like I've nothing to lose... I mean, hey, I've made one of the craziest decisions to study miles away from home) Board the plane & head for Perth.  That pretty much sums up the routine every time I've to head back to school.

I am doing this usual routine again today. But this time, I am going back to catch up on the good times. I would call this trip, tracing my steps, collecting memories and building relationships. Heading to Perth to attend a boarding school was one of the best decisions ever made. Of course, I have to thank God for opening the door.

When my parents finally supported the idea of boarding, one major concern was finding a guardian as we hardly knew anyone staying in Perth. At that time, my mom's friend, Aunty D (who used to stay in Perth) called her up and asked what were my plans after O levels. My mom shared that I was planning on heading to a boarding school in Perth and required a guardian. She linked us up with Aunty Y who was staying in Perth. We met up with her and she was really nice! Well, we didn't want to trouble her that much as I was under 18, I just needed a guardian in name. I would be staying in the boarding house most of the time so I wouldn't have to trouble her too much.

Strangely, after registration, Aunty D reconnected with Aunty R and asked if she's keen on being my guardian since she lived pretty nearby to my school too. We met up when she came to Singapore and we clicked quite well. Haha when I got to know her better, she shared with me that she was actually afraid of being my guardian. She thought I would be spoilt and all princess-like since I had no siblings to share stuff with. Over the 2 years in Perth, she became like a mom to me. I learnt so much from her in so many different aspects of life.

God truly provides. Starting out with no guardian but ending up with two. They made my life away from family much easier.

Not just that... I have met the most amazing people ever in Perth - who loved me for just being me ! Friends, Teachers, Principal, Boarding mates, Housies etc....Through interactions with them, I learnt more about myself & about life. Without them, I wouldn't be the person who I am today. I would probably still be shy, timid and even vengeful. I am ever thankful to God for blessing me with their presence in my life.

During my school years in Singapore, prior to studying in Perth, I felt trapped. I felt that there was an image that I had to upkeep. (Failure to upkeep that 'image' results in people dissing you & they some how get in your head restricting you from being truly happy with who you are. Forcing you to keep up the pretense of being someone that you're not.) Hence, when I watched 3 Peas in a Pod, I could truly identify with all 3 Ps - Peter, Perry & Penny. But Peter in particular though.  (If you get the chance, do watch 3 Peas in a Pod. A local production by Ms Michelle Chong. Here are the lessons I learnt from it)

Being in leadership positions in both primary and secondary school, I just couldn't break out from that "goody two shoes" image where one has to be responsible 100% of the time. [No human is perfect y'know.  It is practically impossible.] This was definitely not me at all! It didn't help that I have strict parents, a dad who is an over-achiever who expected me to be like him and nothing less. 

It was a torture going to school, pretending to be someone that I was not, so that I won't let the people around me down. We got nasty screaming from teachers on most days and i guess I wasn't aware at that point of time but looking back at it now, I identify it as politics. Politics within the school which resulted in the constant yelling from the teachers and hypocrisy. Period.

At that point in time, I was going through an identity crisis. I didn't know who I truly was anymore. Due to the hostile environment, I started building a wall around myself, afraid the next person may just stab you in the back. Almost every night I would either be crying or just yelling my heart out. It got pretty bad that I even thought about ending my life on many occasions! (I guess that was why God put me thru hospitalisation and that made me realise that life is precious, God is real & I should learn to depend on Him. Most of all, We should treasure life.)

Going to Perth allowed me to start afresh without any burdens or prejudices against me. It allowed me to discover who I really am. Experiencing a different education system restored my faith in God & humanity. I had the opportunity to study Politics & Law, my 'accidental' interest as I call it and it equipped me with skills which has been ever so helpful when dealing with politics not only a country but within any organisation.

If anything, this journey has made me stronger not just as a person, but also as a Child of God. The quiet moments where He was just there with me, times where I didn't know what I was feeling but crying out to Him just made me feel a whole lot better & most of all, the power of prayer. I think my Dad has come to realise that everyone is unique and I may never be like him. I was truly surprised when he was actually proud of me when I secured a place in a local university. I truly thank God for allowing him to realise that and it is definitely a step in mending the gap in our relationship.

Sometimes God requires us to step out of our comfort zone (things that we are familiar with) so that we learn to depend on Him and not on ourselves. At that point in time when i was struggling, I questioned God's existence. But looking back now, He was indeed there & He had a better plan for me.

I found the lyrics of this song so true & meaningful! Enjoy~

God's love & blessings~

Xoxo
Marissa